Hoarding

My sweetheart and I have started watching a disturbing show on A&E. It's "Hoarding" and follows the lives of hoarders. Each episode focuses on 2 hoarders and their struggle to overcome hoarding. It is disturbing for many reasons, one of which is the brokenness you see in each of the individuals. The hoarding has left these people in danger of eviction, has robbed several of them of their relationships, and has apparently worn them down. It is evident that hoarding must be a mental illness because of its ability to withstand reason. Even when threatened with the loss of home and love, the hoarders are unable to release the items that hold them hostage.



Another reason it is so disturbing is that we can some of these traits in our own sweet son. He never wants to throw anything away. He tries to keep the wrapping paper from presents (insisting he loves it and wants to play with it). He hangs on to toys he has not touched for months, and breaks down if you try to give it away. If he knew how many times Mommy has snuck in with a garbage bag and culled the toys during preschool he would probably refuse to ever leave the house without me again.



Watching the show has made me realize that we are all hoarders in a way. Most of us do not hoard useless stuff (I for one can't imagine ever saving empty pill bottles) but we do hoard other things. We hoard negative feelings about ourselves. How many women hold on to the negative thoughts that our thighs will never be thin enough, that our bellies are too "poochy", that we are too short or too tall or too thin or too anything? Instead we should accept ourselves for what we are - flawed, imperfect beings that nevertheless manage to achieve great things. I believe that achievement is due to God's grace.



We also hoard other things, things that we would do better to get rid of. We hoard grudges (I still hold a grudge over a boy in elementary school telling me he was better than me because he was a boy. While I took care of that one by promptly beating the tar out of him, I still glower as I pass his old house. And I will note that I did not get in trouble for beating him up once my pro-feminist mother learned the reason why I acted the way I did.) We hoard anger, low self-esteem, and all other manner of things that conspire to keep us from leading the full and rich lives we are capable of and that deserve. I think we hold on to these things because greatness and richness scares us. Better to lead the life we know than to reach out, let go of the "stuff" we hoard, and lead that better life. We don't know where that richer life will lead us, what it will demand of us. So my task today (and for the rest of my days) is to try to let go of the things I hoard, and to reach out for the brighter, larger things ahead. The things that scare me, the things that I secretly long to do but fear failure, the things that seem so hard.



I don't think I will accomplish this anytime soon. I have been hoarding the bad stuff for years, so I can't think that letting go will be accomplished in a day. But it will be better to work on letting go than on staying the same and letting the hoarder in me win.