Autumn

One thing I like about autumn is that the quality of light is different. It is softer somehow, more mellow. Almost as if nature itself is in a more mellow mood. After the dreariness of late winter, the gentle beauty of spring, and the lushness of summer, it is as if nature itself has worn down to its essential essence.

It's a more reflective time of year, at least for me. I find myself stopping more to ponder. Pondering itself is not noteworthy - I am a ponderer by nature, content to wrap myself in thoughts both profound and mundane. The difference is that during autumn I find myself stopping what I am doing to ponder. I find myself arrested by the color of the leaves, and the play of light on them. I am amazed at the variety of colors, and how the colors are complementary. I find myself marveling at their downward trajectory. I love watching people rake them into big piles, and I fantasize about jumping in the pile, rolling with abandon as I did when I was eight at my grandparent's house. Only maturity and asthma keeps me acting somewhat properly for my age.

Oddly enough, for as much as I love autumn, I often find myself in danger of wishing myself through the season. I begin to get excited about Christmas and all the planning associated with the festivities. I start planning my Christmas baking. I used to bake 12 types of cookies for Christmas, as well as 3-4 types of candies and 2-3 breads before I started scaling back when I was pregnant with Ellie. Now that she is older, I find myself lured once again by the siren call of baking for the masses, of spending hours creating cookies. I start planning Christmas gifts, and how to decorate and internally debating when the tree should go up.

This is a quality that I wish to change about myself. I have no desire to plan away my autumn, focusing so closely on the future that I forget the moment. I hate looking up one morning and noticing all the leaves have fallen and are brown and muddy. The time of year I look forward to most having past while I was preoccupied with the trivia of my life.

This year I am trying to live more in the moment - to stop and watch the leaves. I try to point out to the kids whenever I see a particularly beautiful tree or pile of leaves. I don't want this to be the autumn that I planned away again.