Grad School

I am hoping to go to graduate school this fall. After having made this decision, I am beginning to feel some trepidation, so today's blog is going to be my attempt to process my feelings on this to figure out where my head it.

A little background is in order. I considered grad school while in college, going so far as to apply. However, by my last semester in college, I was extremely "burned out." I had spent too long being a good student. I wanted to be out from under the pressure I put on myself to maintain good grades. I had read the Communist Manifesto more than once and I felt it was time that I did something "real." I felt that if I went straight to graduate school that I would end up in an ivory tower with no concept of "real life". Why on earth I thought being a professor was imaginary and not real is not something I remember.

Before I married Justin, we sat down and did some long-term planning and dreaming (yes we are nerds). The plan has been for years that Justin would go to graduate school first, as he is a man and as such will command more salary than I (in addition to the fact that his discipline pays more). After our babies were born and in school, I would go to grad school.

Last year I began to realize something disturbing and humbling. I realized that although I had dreamed of being a stay at home mom for years that I was not that great at it. I keep my kids fed and healthy, we play, we act crazy but I am deeply resistant to the type of structure that would ensure they do more than just play. My dreams of teaching my children all manner of things fell by the wayside as I realized I do not have the right skill set for teaching a 3 year old (or 4 year old) something he is not interested in learning. While I have more love for them than I can explain, I am not sure if that is enough. I often feel that I am no Mary Poppins and that my kids deserve more. So I decided, after talking to Justin, to move the plan up and try to go to grad school in 2010, when Hardy starts school.

Now that I have applied and am awaiting word to see if this will happen, doubts are beginning to set in. Can I handle going to school with 2 young children? How will I get all the studying done? Am I ruining Hardy's (and Ellie's) life forever by not being home when school is over? What do I do about after school care for Hardy? What happens if they get sick? Do I miss class or does Justin? Can I hack it somewhere like Vanderbilt? I have terrible visions of uppity twenty-somethings looking down their noses at me, sneering at me for being a mere "mother". (Not that I would care - I thrive on a challenge). How will I get used to wearing "real" clothes (not sweats) every day? How did I do this before? Will I miss all of Hardy's field trips? Do they even have field trips?

While these questions assail me, when I consider the alternatives, other questions come up. If I remain a stay at home mom, will I be bored when they are both in school? Is it bad to miss adult conversation? Is it wrong to want outside intellectual stimulation? If I don't go back to school how will my kids know that education doesn't stop at 18 or 22? How can I teach Ellie how to be a strong, independent woman if I do not have a job? How would I support my children if Justin got sick?

Too many questions, too many potential outcomes. I think this is why I am having trouble sleeping lately. I've come to enjoy the freedom of being home, and I think I am fearing the loss of freedom. There is also the lack of confidence that comes with being out of the workforce/academia for awhile. Instead of spending my days working on TPS reports and attending meetings, I've been dancing to Black Eyed Peas videos and finger painting. I am not sure how these skills translate to the outside world.

This is not to say that I regret staying home or that stay at home moms are brainless, lacking in confidence or terrible role models. The very opposite is true. Staying home has been one of the hardest things I have done. It is demanding job that never stops. I can never just walk away if I am having a bad day. And there is nothing wrong with teaching my kids to follow your dreams. The thing is I no longer believe being a stay at home mom is my dream.

Although I am worrying about future and what to do, the very act of worrying makes me think I am on the right path. If I didn't question why I am doing this then I would not be able to answer when some uppity student questions what I am doing in grad school. I think I am going to try to spend the next few months savoring what I do now so that I am ready for whatever changes come in the fall.