Gender Roles

One of the things I love at Christmas is buying presents for my family. I love to set my budget and begin planning on how to make a truly great Christmas with that budget. It awakens the bargain hunter within, and I begin stalking ads, looking for the perfect gift to make someone happy.

Having kids has expanded the fun exponentially. I can now buy all those cool toys that didn't exist when I was a kid, or did exist and I did not have them. Having discovered Lego's through my boy, I am amazed I was not on the Lego bandwagon as a child. Play dough is something else that is even more fun now that I have a kiddo to play with.

The quandary I have found myself in this year regarding gifts is with Ellie. She is at the age where she cannot verbalize what she would want for Christmas, and she loves whatever someone gives her in a fancy present. One would think I would be under no pressure then, that I will score a win no matter what I give my girl.

The thing is, however, is what is the hidden message that the gifts may give my children. I am contemplating giving Ellie a toy vacuum (having seen her play with one and love it). Yet the vacuum as a present bothers me on many levels. First, it seems wrong to EVER give a vacuum to a woman, regardless of age. Secondly, am I sending the message to Ellie that girls are responsible for cleaning, that it is some feminine trait? I don't want her to think that her worth is based on how clean her house is, and that she is responsible for cleaning up her house.

Before I stayed home, it was not something I worried about. My sweet husband gladly shared all the chores with me, cleaning, cooking, shopping, or kid watching with equal aplomb. He never shied away from a leaky mess, a messy kitchen, or a truly terrible diaper. My son saw (no matter how much he took in) the 2 adults in his house working as equals - both responsible for making a home.

Once I started staying home, I started doing 90% of the cooking and cleaning. It made more sense - I was home, I could do it during the day and then our weekends and evenings could be spent doing family activities. It's not that my husband stopped helping - he still changes babies, washes them, takes out the garbage, cuts the grass, helps out around the house. It is now, however, mostly me my kids see doing the laundry, the chores, the errands. That is their norm - mom does the chores.

That is not the model I want for either of my children. I want them to both know how to cook, how to clean, how to do laundry, because life does not guarantee you a spouse who will do that. Life does not guarantee anyone a partner, so it is best to know how to life independently if necessary.

If I get into grad school next year, the kids will learn a new norm. They will see Mom and Dad both leaving home to work (or study). They will see both Mom and Dad taking care of the house and cleaning. I think in the end they will be better for it.

So back to my original thought. Should I get Ellie a vacuum? If so, am I scaring the poor girl for life? Am I teaching her that her lot in life is to clean up after those around her? That if she cannot conquer the dust bunnies she is a failure somehow? (Which if that were true I would be the world's biggest failure - I am currently cultivating a truly spectacular nest of dust bunnies beneath the couch in my great room.) Or can a vacuum just be a toy and have no larger, more sinister implications? If I'm lucky, she'll ignore the thing anyway in favor of her brother's hot wheels.